Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Viewing

I sat on the front pew with my Dad and brothers and sister in the church, Boo was at home being looked after by a couple of my friends. I could hear the whispers behind me as my mothers family and friends arrived to visit her for the last time.
The most beautiful casket I have ever seen was wheeled into the church, my sister in law chose it for her. Nothing but the best for our Mum.  The funeral people opened up the casket. My Dad started howling, he continues to speak with her asking why she left him. We all started to sob, there was no way of stopping the tears. When I saw her she looked yellow, it took a while for the eyes to adjust and only focus on her beautiful face. Once I stopped crying and cleared my eyes, I noticed she was not  wearing any make-up, not even lipstick. I got my sisters attention and told her that Mum would be horrified, she would never leave the house without lipstick. She agreed. She told the funeral people, she offered them her lipstick and they applied it to her respectfully. It was amazing how different she looked, now it was my Mum.

We had an opportunity to say our goodbyes. I got up and kissed her forehead many times, it was so cold, frozen cold. My Mum was always warm, with a huge warm heart. But I couldn't kiss her enough. I just wanted to hold her, I cried. My eldest brother put his arm around me to comfort me. She looked beautiful in her dress that she had chosen, her pearl earrings and matching necklace. She took with her her handbag, in it was her prayer book a new one so she could start fresh and her Rosary beads, and also an Italian deck of cards. She taught all the grandkids to play 31, she loved to win and often even cheated. She would pull out her jar full of five cent pieces so they had money to play with. So she had a five cent piece in her bag for every child and grandchild. I put a photo of Boo and I in her prayer book with a note written on the back. I want her to show Max. Anyone that wanted to give her something did, I saw my nephew give her one his music cd's. She was always there to support him and his music, even going to his Pub gigs, that's just the woman she was. She was proud.

As the chant of the Rosary was being said, I couldn't take my eyes off her. My beautiful mum. The Rosary was completed and we said our final farewell. I kissed her frozen forehead again and put my hand on her heart. Good bye Mum, I love you. The casket was closed.

After the Viewing the entire family went back to my Dad's house, it always used to be "Mum's house" even though they both lived there. If someone would ask where are you going, the response would be " To Mums" It's been a difficult habit to break. It was the first time back to the house for me and many of the others. There were lots of tears and first sitings of some of my Mum's possessions were hard to take. The hardest for me was seeing her chair empty. Where she would sit and crochet or knit. It was her chair and she was there not that long ago doing this......

She will no longer sit in this chair, ever.

My Dad has been a real mess, but it's expected. I remember that all too well, going back home after Max died and finding his things everywhere, he was everywhere, just like my Mum is everywhere.
I miss my Mum x

Friday, August 26, 2011

Mish Mash

I have so much to say. So much has happened the last couple of days, with my Mums viewing, visiting her home, then her funeral yesterday and today it's my gorgeous Boo's 2nd birthday. My head is spinning my emotions are everywhere. I will come back once I can sort things out in this head of mine.

Thank you all for you kind words. xx

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I am angry, angry, angry! I don't get angry very often. I am making up for it now. I am angry with my family, angry with my friends, angry with Boo, and at the universe. Just pissed off is what I am.

I am feeling so lonely, I have a huge family and heaps of friends but I feel like have no one to hold me when I am cry. I am missing Max terribly, he used to always be there for me, to listen to me, to hold me. I need to feel his embrace right now. So we can cry in each others arms.

Fuck the universe.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

She will always be beautiful.

When Max died he was angry, he didn't want to leave. He wasn't ready, he had too much to live for, he had me, he had his beautiful Boo his life as a family was just beginning. He was enjoying his work, loving his hobbies, had so many dreams to fulfill. His cancer made him feel ugly. He had a good reason to die angry. The image of his last days is stuck in my head I can't wipe it, it haunts me.

My Mum on the other hand, she died peacefully, she was beautiful even after she took her last gasp of air. She was ready. She was in wonderful hands at Palliative care, she was comfortable and she said she felt safe there. She was scared to be at home. I hate that I can even compare the two, my most cherished people in this world apart from Boo. The image of my Mums last days is beautiful, she didn't change at all, she just looked like my Mum. She almost died with a smile on her face. I can carry that image in my head without it haunting me. She is always beautiful. She took a lot of pride in what she looked like. She always wore beautiful jewelry, everything had to match. She always looked a million bucks, she put me to shame. She often hounded on me about what I was wearing. I need to be comfortable, often not to her liking.

Her request is that she wants a viewing and rosary, I am not sure how I am going to stomach seeing her. But we are doing everything to make her look as beautiful as she always did. Another request before she died was that they didn't put too much make-up on her. She was just a lipstick and a little blush woman. We will make sure of that.

My Mum will always beautiful.

Saturday, August 20, 2011


I am feeling really numb, it hasn't really hit me that my Mum has died. I think it might the day of the funeral. I don't know, my grief is kind of all over the place. Grieving for my Mum and Max and everything we have lost not having these two beautiful souls in our lives. I know they are together and I believe that they are happy and at peace. It's this sense I am getting.

My family has been busy organising my Mums funeral, we are a big family 5 siblings. So by the time everyone has their say, and is delegated something well it takes time. Some things my Mum had already decided on, like what dress she wanted to wear but not until her final days, because according to her she wasn't going anywhere and it wasn't until she was ready that she bought it up. Unlike with Max we had pretty much everything organised, even though it was really difficult at the time to talk about it, it made everything soooo much easier during this difficult time.

I have so much to say but I am feeling pretty exhausted, emotionally drained and also due to lack of sleep.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

R.I.P. Mum

You gave it all you had, I wish I had half the strength you had.  I know your faith got you through this, in the end you were defeated but not without a good fight. You fought the dragon for 13 years, who does that? Only a super woman like you.

I can't say good bye. You are my Mum, always my Mum. I can't let you go, even though you have left. Left us to meet Max, your Mum and your brother.

You are no longer suffering I am happy for that, but I want you here. You were meant to come and see our new house, you where so looking forward to it, dam it!

I love you, I miss you xx

Monday, August 15, 2011

You Spin Right Round

Yesterday I was high as a kite. I did the City2Surf, I survived 14km and Heart break Hill. I did it! I still can't believe it. The endorphins kicked in and we had a really great day. I was thinking of Max and knew he would very proud of Boo and I, not only for completing it but also raising funds for Rainbows for Kate. And I must say I was pretty chuffed with myself also. I am aching today but its ok, it's good pain right.

Waiting for the race to start.

One in 85,000 people.

Heading towards the finish line

Congratulating each other with our medals.

Bondi beach- The End.

This morning I took Boo to daycare, he wore his medal he won to show off proudly. Then I took off to see my Mum at the palliative care. I hadn't seen her in two days. When I got there my heart skipped a beat. She was sitting in her chair beside her bed, in a hospital gown with a bare back and bare feet. Her mouth dropped wide open and her eyes rolling around in a gaze. I just saw Max. And I think I said "Oh my G-d" out loud. I went and gave her a hug and asked how long she had been there and where where her slippers. She hates being barefoot unlike me. She murmured a few words. She basically didn't know. I sat on the bed and asked if she wanted her slippers on she said yes. I gave her a nice foot and leg massage , I put my head down so she couldn't see the tears rolling down my face. I couldn't believe how much she had deteriorated. It really hit me then, that my Mum was soon leaving us. She had to go to the loo. She no longer has the energy to walk the short distance to the toilet so she did it in one of those portable loo chairs, but she was so breathless the Dr's decided that it was time she needed a catheter so she could conserve her energy. Her chest was rattling and she was gasping for air and really zonked out. I got her into her bed and went to find a Dr to speak with. She had had a very bad night with her breathing so they had given her more meds to help with it. They told me it was probably best to to call the family. Fuck! I walked into the common room and called my sister and told her that my Mum was deteriorating fast. I told her it was Max all over again, I couldn't stop crying. She did all the calling around. My Dad got there and he was sobbing as he walked in her room. My Mum asked  my Dad "What's wrong with you?" I am not going anywhere. As the day progressed more of my family arrived. I went and picked up Boo and took him back to see his Nonna. I have a HUGE family. By the end of the evening she told every one to go home, because she wasn't going to die yet. Can you believe my Mum?

So my head is spinning, my body is aching. And tomorrow is another day. I have managed to get Boo into daycare for the day, so I can have some time with my Mum, because according to her she isn't going anywhere yet. She really is amazing, my Mum. I love her so much.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Where We Are At.

I realised why all my thoughts and words to express them have been so difficult to write or even talk about. It's my happy pills. I should have worked it our sooner, but I thought it was just me.  You now grieving, dealing with life. I am feeling so flat, lifeless and lazy. I am usually a doer I get things done, I am always out and about but lately I can't be stuffed doing anything. Although I am rarely home, I always have something to do, mainly consisting of visiting my Mum. Having said that, I think Winter has a lot to do with it too. I can't wait for the warmer weather to get out on our adventures again. I don't want to come off my happy pills, not yet anyway. Firstly I think there is still a lot I have to deal with to come, secondly I am scared of the reaction I will have coming off them. The few days I have forgotten to take them, I have felt horrible not only mentally but physically too. So it scares me and I am not ready to deal with that yet.

Visiting my Mum has become really difficult with Boo, twice now he has thrown the biggest tantrums of his short life whilst trying to leave. OMG! The whole throwing himself on the floor thing, You know the kind, the ones that you see other peoples kids chucking in the shopping centres. Not MY kid!
So I will need to work something out and take him less regularly, yesterday was the first day I didn't go and see her because I just couldn't deal with it. It was actually nice to have a full day at home without having to go anywhere. We really haven't had much time to enjoy our new home yet. We had friends come in the afternoon for a play, they enjoyed the backyard and Boos new playroom. And I loved spending some quality time with him. Although he is cheeky and throws tantrums he still makes me smile and laugh every day.

My Mum has another lung infection, so is on more antibiotics. They have now connected her to a Pump, just like the one Max had so they can administer her morphine through it. She is still struggling to get a lot of her meds down. She is pretty zonked out on morphine, but she is comfortable and for the moment ok.

Sunday is the day Boo and I are doing the City2Surf gulp! I had so many good intentions I was going to train and get fit and well lets just say it all fell through the window. I am excited but nervous, scared I am going to pass out or have a heartache on Heartbreak Hill. You think I am joking don't you? All I can do is try my best now.
My fundraising has been going well and that is what has been important to me. Almost reaching our goal of $1500 between Boo and I for the Rainbows For Kate foundation.

So if you are watching the race or doing the race and you see a team wearing these T- Shirts then say Hi!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Just Like That.

My Mum is getting much needed rest and seems comfortable in the palliative care hospital. They are looking after her well. She did have a scare the other night when she was taking her antibiotics through the nebuliser, the same antibiotic she has taken for almost six years. My nephew was there visiting and all of a sudden she threw off her mask and tried to yell that she couldn't breath. Her throat was starting to swell up and close. My nephew called the nurses and they managed to settle her, but they had no answers as to why all of a sudden she had this reaction. My nephew knows how horrible it feels because he has the same reaction to strawberries. Scary. It hasn't happened again thankfully.

I have gone to visit her every day. On Friday I picked my sister in law up on the way to see her. We had only been there a few minutes when my sister in laws mobile rang. She was sobbing. Her mother had just told her they have found a cancer on her fathers lung. Fuck. Nobody goes untouched. Cancer is bloody everywhere these days.

Today I watched my Mum follow the nurse into the bathroom for a shower, shuffling and bent over with her walking frame. Having conversations with her has changed, she has become forgetful and confused, I am sure that is the medication. Where did my Supermum go? Just like that. Cancer takes over. Even after watching Max go through it it still surprises me as to how things can change so quickly.

I have been trying to give her some things to look forward to. Like Boos 2nd birthday in a couple of weeks. Can you believe that? I told her if she felt like getting out for a day, then she should come over and see our new home. She is looking forward to that. She had only seen it when it was empty. I so hope she makes it.

Boo trying out anything that has wheels. He always makes my Mum smile.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

This Is What happened Acrossed the Sea.

Wow! Just Wow! Does this girl rock!!??

Just like I wrote in your comment Eden
"Thank you for never allowing Alex to be forgotten, to share your story and his artwork across the world. He would be just blown away. You keep rock'n girl.

Thank you to all your readers and bloggers for your support. Much love to you all x

Alex was here."

And always will be.

I had gone to bed and thought I would check out twitter on my phone before I shut my eyes and there was Edens post. So I got up and checked it out properly on my computer. I had to, she stayed up till 5.30am to get it written for me. For me! And I cried. It was just wonderful to see her up on that podium and being so beautiful and funny as she is and watching all those images behind her and listening to her speak in front of ALL those people. I did wonder if the Americans understood what she was saying with her thick Aussie accent. But there were also tears in the house, so I imagine they did.

My heart is all big and puffy.
I love you Sisterman!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Drug Of Champions

I am currently sitting in my parents back yard writing this, the warm winter sun on my back and my fathers budgies chirping very loudly, so loud I can't concentrate.

I spent the night here last night to look after my Mum, she is a little better. Monday night we were all sure it was her last. But if you know my Mum is a fighter, she isn't ready to let go yet. She is a real champion. Thankfully.
She had been weened off her Dexamethasone last week and it was catching up with her. It's such an amazing drug for cancer patients, but the side affects are just so horrible so they can't stay on it for long and have to weened on and off it. It's basically a steroid. Max was amazing on it, he would have a huge appetite which was just so nice to see when he was turning to skin and bones. Wiki tells me "it's use is widespread among prostitutes in Bangladesh in spite of the dangers, because it helps them develop fat easily, an attractive feature in this poor country." So you learn something new everyday. My Mum is weening back onto it again and that is what has given her a bit of life back.


I am back home now, my sister looked after Boo and took him to daycare for me yesterday, then in the afternoon we switched and she stayed with my Mum last night. Apparently she had a terrible anxiety attack, the worst she has ever had.  Her breathing is atrocious, I have never heard anything like it, she is struggling for breath with makes her anxious. We had been waiting for a bed at the palliative care hospice so she and we can get some respite. We finally got the call this morning. My sister is taking her as I type.

I think it's the best place for her at the moment. She has become very forgetful, so taking her meds on time has been a real task. She gets very breathless just getting up to go to the toilet, everything is a challenge for her. She can't be left alone. My Dad is an emotional wreck he just cries and weeps. Understandably. But it's not doing my mother any good seeing him like this.

It was nice to spend some quality time with my Mum, without Boo. Whilst he was there the other day he pushed her medi alert necklace button. The alarm went off so when they called to check on my Mum, my sister had to tell them that we were just testing the service. Ooops! She loves having him around but I couldn't look after her and Boo at the same time. Her medication makes her doze in and out, but she still manages to knit. My Mum she is a Champion.

Monday, August 1, 2011

All the Signs and What's to Come.

Please keep my Mum in your thoughts and prayers.
She has deteriorated significantly this afternoon.
She has put up an amazing fight but I hate to see her suffer now.

I am finding it difficult to watch I know the signs and what's to come.
My emotions are all over the place, yet not until writing this have I shed a tear.