Friday, December 30, 2011

Two Words

Thank you. 
All of you.
Yes you and you.
For being here for me, through another tough time in my life, the death of my beautiful mother.
Still grieving Max and then dealing with the death of my mum has been difficult, I probably haven't written about it as much as I have wanted to only because I can't express this grief and the feelings I have in words. So I stay silent. I don't like being silent on my blog. I need to write. I hope to write more in the new year.

I am also hoping for a better year next year. With good things happening around me, some changes, some travel and getting my business truly up and running.

I wish you and your families a very Happy New Year. Have fun and stay safe.


I have to share this photo I just found whilst looking through some old ones. Max took it.

He loved his stuffed animals, I have mentioned that before. If he went to bed before me, he would always tuck a couple these little guys in on my side of the bed to greet me before I went to sleep. They always put a smile on my face. It was a nice little memory to have.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Merry Christmas And All That.

It certainly was a strange Christmas, quiet. I spent it split between my two brothers homes. One for lunch then the other for coffee, dessert and swim. The sun finally shown in Sydney. If you haven't heard already from all the whinging, Sydney has had a shitty wet and cool Summer, so far. It's raining as I type. But we were fortunate to get a swim in yesterday which was great. Boo had a wonderful day, he was really into Christmas this year, he was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. It is just too cute to hear him say that. He loved opening his presents. It was so delightful to watch him.

I missed my Mum a lot and Max too. For Christmas Eve, I went to the Mary McKillop Chapel. My Mum used to go there once a month when they had a special service. I never went with her. I wish I had. I cried through the Christmas service whilst every one was singing Holy Night, regretting that I had never sat on the pew with her. I know she was there with me.

I made Christmas cards this year, like I do every year only this year I didn't send them. I didn't want to, I didn't have the same Christmas spirit. So I didn't.

I hope all that celebrated had a lovely day with family and friends. I tried. I mostly succeeded.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

All About a Boy I call Boo

Age- 2 Years 3 months 25 Days
Weight Approx- 15kg
Height Approx- 92cm

He is very funny, he has a wonderful sense of humour.
He is a very happy boy except for when he doesn't get his way.
He is very cheeky and is constantly in trouble.
He is very affectionate and gives random kisses and cuddles.
He has lots of girlfriends. One particular one, they are very fond of each other.

Here they are in action!
He has just discovered the word "mine" so EVERYTHING belongs to him.
But he does love to share...most of the time. He wont eat something without making sure his little friends have one too, what ever it may be.

His language has been delayed but in the last few weeks he has discovered new words and strings them into sentences, he constantly surprises me.
Mummy gone. More pasta please. My turn. Cockadoodle doo is his word for the week. He has had problems breathing at night with a stuffy nose for quite some time now.
He constantly wakes of a night, I don't recall the last time he actually slept through the entire night. Mainly because he can't breath. He is an early riser, he is usually up anywhere between 5 and 6am. It makes for one very tired Mummy.
We have been down the allergy route but have recently discovered that he has obstructive sleep apnea and glue ear. Both possibly affecting his speech. He has had a hearing test and all is well with his hearing. He just chooses not to hear me at times!
He is booked in for the 23rd of Jan to have his tonsils and adenoids out and grommets put in his ears.
I'm really not looking forward to it, but I am hoping it will sort out his issues. Well the surgeon tells me it will! If his speech doesn't improve after his surgery, I will look into getting him into a speech pathologist.

He has his favourite teddy that he sleeps with and drags him around the house when he is tired.
His favourite movies are Toy Story 1 & 2 and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
His favourite TV shows are, Charlie and Lola and Fireman Sam.
His favourite books are any Charlie and Lola book, Upsy Down Town and The Little Yellow Digger.
He loves playing with trucks, his play kitchen and his Woody doll. Santa is bringing him Buzz and Jessie, I can't wait to see his face.
His favourite foods are, sushi, sausages and ravioli.
He loves going on adventures. He is very inquisitive and just takes in his surrounding.
He is a people watcher and is happy to sit in a crowd and watch and learn.

I seriously do not know what I would do if he wasn't in my life.
He makes laugh, he makes me cry with happiness, yes he makes me angry too.
He makes my heart so full and puffy.
I love you lots Boo xx

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Missing Pieces.

Christmas is going to be very different this year....without my Mum, without Max.
By this time my Mum would have baked hundreds of Italian biscuits and made cannoli and all the specials xmas treats she used make. This year we wont be enjoying any of them. It's sad that Boo wont remember her, that he wont remember her love for cooking and food. The wonderful talent she had that bought us all so much joy, that Max was always in awe of. I have been crying a lot for Mum lately, I miss her terribly. It was her birthday on Monday, it was a prticularly hard day to get through, but all the firsts are, I know because I have already experienced it with Max. I just need to get through this Christmas the best I can and enjoy it for my Boo's sake.

Boo helped me put the Christmas tree up yesterday. He loved helping. The only problem is that he has continued to put the decorations up and down on the tree since yesterday! It was a bittersweet moment, watching him put the decorations up. It was something I always wanted to share with Max. I kept thinking of the discussions I had with Max about when we would upgrade our tree and it was always wait till we have kids and we will get a bigger better one then. So now I have a kid, a bigger tree but no Max.

I bought Boo a Little People Nativity set and gave it to him once we had completed putting the tree up. He loves it. I really gave this gift to him on behalf of my Mum, I know that if she had seen it she would have wanted to buy it for him. You see ever since I can remember, my mother put out a nativity. She would lay down the plastic fake grass and build her nativity with all her ceramic pieces that she had bought from Italy when we went there when I was 5. Over the years some of the pieces had broken and were cracked or glued backed together, it had gone through all of us kids. It didn't come out for a few years not until the grandchildren started arriving then out it came again, every Christmas up until the last.

So now we have our own nativity and I want to put it up every year and remember my Mum.

*Boo insists that the lamb should be in the manger instead of baby Je-sus.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Where have I been ?

I have been neglecting my blog, my blogging friends, commenting, reading of late and I don't like it. I need my blog, I need my blog friends and I miss you all. I do.

I have been focusing on my business which has been really busy, I love capturing beautiful people. But I am still juggling it all. I write so many posts in my head by the time I have the time to blog, I no longer have the energy to write coherently. I am hoping this is just temporary, I have a few more booked out weekends before Christmas then I hope to have a break for a few weeks so I can fine tune things and also get time to blog when I want to.

I have lots to tell you and hope to fill you in, in the very near future. But in the meantime please come and tell me what you have been up to or say hi, because I miss you all.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

We Heart The Zoo

Took Boo to the Zoo again, I didn't realise that it had been so long between visits, 6 months in fact. I have promised to take him more often and renew my yearly membership. There was a big difference in taking him this time compared to the last. He was so engaged with the animals, he loved seeing them all. The main attraction was seeing the three new Tiger cubs born in August but have only just come out to the public. Oh so cute! If I could take one home I would. He was calling animal names and mimicking sounds, it was so delightful watching him. This time I took him to the children's area which we didn't get to last time, there is so much to see that we have to pick and choose what to visit. He loved it.

Here are some pics I took of the day.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Missing Someone.

I came across this on FB and it's just so true. Between missing Max and missing my Mum, it happens so frequently to me. Some times I surprise myself as to how well I am getting on, keeping very busy is helping I must admit. Then there are other days, when I do don't do too well.
I went to a friends wedding yesterday it was a gorgeous day and a beautiful wedding. Lots of fun catching up with friends, lots of laughs and giggles like the old times. But I wish Max was sitting with me at the table enjoying the day, getting up and having a dance, laughing together, enjoying some wine. Telling me I look beautiful although I never felt it, he made sure he told me how beautiful I looked and smothered me with hugs and kisses.

Days like that are the days I miss him so much.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

What? Really ?

Has it been 2 weeks since I updated? Well those weeks have flown and I have been really busy.
It has been that long since I launched my business and I am happy to say it has started to take off with my Christmas special. It's pretty cheap and I am not making much money out if it just yet, but I want to get my work out there and get work by word of mouth and it seems to be working. I just hope it continues to once I charge my fixed prices. I don't want to be known as the cheap photographer either. It's a risk I have to take

Thank you all for your lovely comments on my work, it's always nice to hear. I have updated my galleries with my recent work if you would like to have a look.

I have learnt a lot in the last couple of weeks, that is for sure. I did two product shoots one for baby onsies and another for cloth nappies. There were 7 babies under the age of one. I was quite nervous at the thought of it but once I got going I was ok and the little ones were all great too. It was a new experience for me and glad I had the opportunity to do it.

A lot of people are starting to want family portraits done which is great, but since one of the partners or both are usually working the shoots have to be done on the weekend which means I have to find someone to look after Boo. If they are baby shoots I have been able to to do them on Boos daycare days and that has worked perfectly. It has been challenging to get someone to look after him on the weekends though, they are either working or studying or have their own kids to look after. I am hoping that once I go onto my fixed prices and I can book in a few sessions on the one day then I can pay a sitter but for now it's just not feasible.

I think I got the raw end of the deal. My Mum used to look after my nieces and nephews when they were little. Like ALL the time. I was still living at home back then and I would wake up on a Sunday morning to some little body jumping into my bed, I would usually be nursing a hangover after having a big night out, as teenagers do. Or hearing them asking my Mum why was I still sleeping it was almost lunch time? So last Saturday morning, I thought I would payback my niece and threw Boo into her bed to wake her up so she could look after him for a few hours....insert wicked laugh here....
I have booked Boo in for 3 consecutive days at family daycare next year, that will help.

So that is where I am at, I am loving every minute of my new job. I often think of Max and my Mum and wonder what they would think. I know they would be so supportive, I miss them both for that. A lot.

Friday, October 14, 2011


I have been busy, Boo keeps me really busy which I do love but sometimes I just wish I would get a little break I have also been getting my business up and running.
Finally launched my blogsite here. What do you think? Honestly?
There is still so much to do.
I have some jobs lined up out of it, I am pretty excited about it all. I have become a camera addict, I have this need to take photos.... like all the time. I suppose there could be worse things to be addicted to.

I have heaps to write but little time.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Up The Mountain

We were hoping to get away for the long weekend, up to my sister property in the Blue Mountains. But when we got up there my sister was sick with some bug so we decided to spend the day only. Boo had an awesome time, he got to spend some fun quality time with his Godfather (my nephew) He has been up there for peace and quiet to record his music. I will definitely go back soon, because Boo just loved being out in the nature, digging the dirt, playing with his truck, helping pull trees, riding his trike and the billy-cart. We even got see a black wallaby in the backyard. The last time I was up there was just before Max passed away, it was the worst time. Max was so uncomfortable and angry that day, I couldn't help but remember it all.

I really should make the most of it and spend some time up there when I just want to get away, it really is beautiful.

Here are some pics of our day out.

Monday, September 26, 2011

As The Days go By.

Thank you all for my birthday wishes. The day went by and as expected it just wasn't the same. It never will be. So I just dealt with it. I stayed in my pj's for as long as I could until a friend called and asked if we wanted to go the park, so we had a bite to eat and took the kids to the park. After an usually hot day on Friday we had a cold snap the next so it was freezing. Yesterday my sister organised for my dad and some of my family to go out to lunch and that was nice even though it was absolutely teaming down with rain. But I certainly did miss my Mum and Max, a lot.

I still haven't decorated my new home. Not long after I moved in my mum got really sick so I spent most of my free time with her, then she passed away and I really didn't care much for doing anything around the house. I have decided that it's time to get it organised and make it the home I want it to be.

About a month ago, Boo decided that he didn't want to sleep in his cot nor his room any more. He is sleeping in the spare bedroom in a Queen size bed. I need to change that. I am taking my old single bed frame from my Mum and Dads, I have bought him a new single mattress.  I am going to move the Queen bed into what is currently his room and convert the spare room into Boo's room with the single bed. It all takes time and a lot the furniture moving I can't do I on my own, so I need to get some helping hands. I had put some money aside to buy a new couch, the current one is 10 years old and it is due to be updated. I found a really good deal, but the only colour I thought would work with my furniture was red. I couldn't decide in my typical Libran way if I should get it or not. After some help from my Facebook friends I decided to get it. Today I ordered it! And now I am quite excited about it.

My sister bought me a lovely new quilt cover for my birthday, it's nice and summery. So now I can work on my room too. I need to get some curtains, the ones that are in there are black and way too dark. My clothes are are still in baskets because I never really got to unpack them properly and now I am thinking well we are between seasons and I am going to have to pack away my winter clothes soon and pull out my Summer. I just want it all to be done now, so I can just enjoy my home. I will get there hopefully sooner rather than later. When it's all done I hope to post some pics. So that is my new project to work on.

I still wish that my Mum had seen this home with all the furniture in it even though it's not quite set up.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I'll Cry If I Want To.

I had to ask someone how old I was turning the other day. After 40 I just haven't kept up, it's strange. Maybe I just don't want to know. I turn 43 today.

Boo woke up at 5am, thanks son for my birthday present. I know you just want my day to feel that little bit longer. I miss Max, no morning birthday cuddles, no early happy birthdays, no special gifts, no extra I love yous. I miss my Mum too. It's only 6am I have the whole day ahead of me with no plans at all, but I know it's not going to be the same without them.

I will try and enjoy it and make the most of it with my Boo.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'm here, I 'm here!

Seriously, I know I keep saying it but the weeks are just flying by!
Any spare time I get I am busy getting the business up and running, so it doesn't leave much time for blogging, blog reading or commenting. So I am going to leave you with some pics because it's been a while.
With Spring here the weather is warming up so we are getting out and about and spending more time outdoors, which we both love!
Fun in the sand.

Absolutely fearless, running straight into the beach, the water was freezing! Spent most of the time running after him.

Looking for seashells.

TOTALLY obsessed with trucks of any kind.

Testing out one of his birthday presents and being Evil Knievel.

Boo was just beside himself when that truck drove into the park. "Truuuuck!"

This guy and his friend visit often for a cracker.

Making a blue octopus on our deck.

Friend comes to visit and admire the blue octopus.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Loving it!

Wow, that week just flew by. I have been busy, busy is good, distractions are good. It makes grieving a little easier. I have been working on building up my photographic portfolio. I am getting there and I can see the improvements with every shoot I do. So to me that is success. I still have LOTS to learn though. Now or soon, very soon I hope I to start making some money from it. Because money is getting pretty tight now that I am paying more rent and the bills are starting to stack up and I don't like that feeling. There is so much that needs to be done before I can get out there though, all the business side of things, which I am usually not very good at. I would love to be able to hand all that over to someone else and just be creative, but that is not going to happen, not for a long time yet.

I miss not having Max around. He had been around for all my business ventures, helping make decisions pointing out the pros and cons I often don't see, he was a realist I am a dreamer. I miss him lots, he would be right into what I am doing now. He could have been my business partner, we could have done this together. See I am dreaming. It's not to be, but I will succeed in this and make him proud and make my Mum proud too. This week I did 3 newborn shoots I have set up a studio in my home, well actually its Boos play room, which I convert. Thankfully I have the space to do it in our new home. I had 3 lovely Mums sitting in my home breast feeding their babies so they would be settled before having their photos taken. If I didn't have Boo, I couldn't have watched that. I wouldn't be able to take photos of babies and children without it upsetting me. I would have been crying at the sight of it, but I was ok. I am ok. Boo makes it ok.  Before my Mum passed away she made all these baby props for my newborn photos, she is with me whilst I am shooting. I love that.

So that is where I am at. Boo is at daycare today so I need to keep working on this new venture. I am loving it and it's nice to have found something I love again.

If you would like a link to my FB page email me at veelife at gmail dot com.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

How Much Grief is Enough?

I go to call my Mum many times through out the day. That's what I used to do, call her check up on her see how she is going that day, see if she needed anything. It makes me sad that I can no longer hear her voice asking what I am doing, what Boo is up to, laughing at the new funny thing he does, giving me suggestions on what to cook for dinner. I miss her.

I was telling Bea in an email after she asked how I was feeling "I don't know, a bit strange like I am grieving but almost feel like it's not enough. I keep comparing the way I feel now with the way I felt when Max passed away and I don't feel like I am crying enough I know that must sound really stupid. But I am scared that time will pass and I will regret not grieving my Mothers death. Perhaps it really hasn't hit me yet? I don't know it's strange." Bea's response made sense, she is good like that. I am struggling lately getting my words out.

Firstly, we know our parents are going to die, we are told usually at a young age whether we understand it or want to believe it is a different story. As an adult it is maybe easier to accept.  Also because my Mum had cancer for such a long time, I knew that death was on the cards it was a matter of when. When she was first diagnosed, I cried and cried for months, my whole world was falling apart. I was angry, no way was I going to lose my mother to cancer. I researched everything I could possibly find on her type of cancer and fed my head with it all. I looked into treatments and alternative treatments, spoke to Dr's , alternative health Dr's etc. I wanted and needed to know that my Mum was getting the best treatment that was available. My life was taken over by the need for information, sucking it all up like a kid drinking a chocolate milkshake, slurping at the very bottom, not content until I had everything I could possibly get. It was the only way I could help her it was the only I knew how to cope, to actually be doing something for her. This was 13 years ago, cancer did not touch everyone one you knew in some way like it does today. Back then when someone was diagnosed with cancer, it meant death. There has been a lot progress in curing or preventing cancer in since then (but that is a whole other post) I was pre- grieving back then, I have been pre-grieving for 13 years and perhaps that is why now I don't feel like I am grieving enough. Don't get me wrong I am still grieving, but just not like I was for Max. And I still hate that I can compare the two. It's called anticipatory grief and I first learnt about it when I saw a counselor before Max passed away. It had a name and I didn't even know. I thought I was just going crazy.

A couple of nights ago, my Mum visited me in a dream. I don't recall the dream but I do know that I was very emotional. Since then I feel a bit more comfortable with how I am grieving and the amount I am grieving. Maybe she told me not to beat myself up about it and she knows how much I love her and miss her. You probably think it's strange that I have to weigh up how much grief is enough, even wrong, but she was my Mother and I can never give her enough of anything.


It was Fathers Day on Sunday. So I took Boo to visit his Daddy, I tend not to take him too often, I usually go on my own, perhaps when he is a little older if he wishes I will take him to see his Daddy regularly. He made a present for him.

Happy Fathers Day - We miss you lots. xx

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Funeral

I don't think I can even write about my Mums funeral in detail. I will say that is was a beautiful celebration of her life. There were close to 350 people there, she touched so many peoples lives. She was amazing my Mum, and I am not just saying that because she is my Mum, you can ask anyone who knew her. Boo was on his best behavior, he slept through half of the service then was a angel for the rest of the day. We joked that my Mum sprinkled fairy dust on him for the day, considering he was so naughty and throwing huge tantrums every time we would go and visit my Mum at the hospital before she passed away. So she thought she would make sure he was on his best behavior on her day. It worked :)

Three of my nephews did a wonderful job in writing and reading her Eulogy. I am going to pinch a couple of lines from it.

"People just wanted to be around Nonna. She took great pleasure in all these simple things and despite the hurdles she faced, life was so “uncomplicated”. Her amazing zest for life attracted and inspired even perfect strangers. And through this she taught us all the importance of community.

Her food was much more than a means of filling you up – it was a simple and encompassing act of love. It displayed a cherishment of family. A reason for togetherness and sharing. Discussions were made over cups of coffee and plates of sweets. Both eating and making the food were great excuses to be together."

She was beautiful, loving, caring, warm, nurturing, a great cook, a great craftswoman, a great cleaner, great wife, a great mother, a great grandmother and a great great-grandmother. She had quite an opened mind for age at 76. She was accepting of everyone and always had her arms open.

She will always be my Mum xx

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Viewing

I sat on the front pew with my Dad and brothers and sister in the church, Boo was at home being looked after by a couple of my friends. I could hear the whispers behind me as my mothers family and friends arrived to visit her for the last time.
The most beautiful casket I have ever seen was wheeled into the church, my sister in law chose it for her. Nothing but the best for our Mum.  The funeral people opened up the casket. My Dad started howling, he continues to speak with her asking why she left him. We all started to sob, there was no way of stopping the tears. When I saw her she looked yellow, it took a while for the eyes to adjust and only focus on her beautiful face. Once I stopped crying and cleared my eyes, I noticed she was not  wearing any make-up, not even lipstick. I got my sisters attention and told her that Mum would be horrified, she would never leave the house without lipstick. She agreed. She told the funeral people, she offered them her lipstick and they applied it to her respectfully. It was amazing how different she looked, now it was my Mum.

We had an opportunity to say our goodbyes. I got up and kissed her forehead many times, it was so cold, frozen cold. My Mum was always warm, with a huge warm heart. But I couldn't kiss her enough. I just wanted to hold her, I cried. My eldest brother put his arm around me to comfort me. She looked beautiful in her dress that she had chosen, her pearl earrings and matching necklace. She took with her her handbag, in it was her prayer book a new one so she could start fresh and her Rosary beads, and also an Italian deck of cards. She taught all the grandkids to play 31, she loved to win and often even cheated. She would pull out her jar full of five cent pieces so they had money to play with. So she had a five cent piece in her bag for every child and grandchild. I put a photo of Boo and I in her prayer book with a note written on the back. I want her to show Max. Anyone that wanted to give her something did, I saw my nephew give her one his music cd's. She was always there to support him and his music, even going to his Pub gigs, that's just the woman she was. She was proud.

As the chant of the Rosary was being said, I couldn't take my eyes off her. My beautiful mum. The Rosary was completed and we said our final farewell. I kissed her frozen forehead again and put my hand on her heart. Good bye Mum, I love you. The casket was closed.

After the Viewing the entire family went back to my Dad's house, it always used to be "Mum's house" even though they both lived there. If someone would ask where are you going, the response would be " To Mums" It's been a difficult habit to break. It was the first time back to the house for me and many of the others. There were lots of tears and first sitings of some of my Mum's possessions were hard to take. The hardest for me was seeing her chair empty. Where she would sit and crochet or knit. It was her chair and she was there not that long ago doing this......

She will no longer sit in this chair, ever.

My Dad has been a real mess, but it's expected. I remember that all too well, going back home after Max died and finding his things everywhere, he was everywhere, just like my Mum is everywhere.
I miss my Mum x

Friday, August 26, 2011

Mish Mash

I have so much to say. So much has happened the last couple of days, with my Mums viewing, visiting her home, then her funeral yesterday and today it's my gorgeous Boo's 2nd birthday. My head is spinning my emotions are everywhere. I will come back once I can sort things out in this head of mine.

Thank you all for you kind words. xx

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I am angry, angry, angry! I don't get angry very often. I am making up for it now. I am angry with my family, angry with my friends, angry with Boo, and at the universe. Just pissed off is what I am.

I am feeling so lonely, I have a huge family and heaps of friends but I feel like have no one to hold me when I am cry. I am missing Max terribly, he used to always be there for me, to listen to me, to hold me. I need to feel his embrace right now. So we can cry in each others arms.

Fuck the universe.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

She will always be beautiful.

When Max died he was angry, he didn't want to leave. He wasn't ready, he had too much to live for, he had me, he had his beautiful Boo his life as a family was just beginning. He was enjoying his work, loving his hobbies, had so many dreams to fulfill. His cancer made him feel ugly. He had a good reason to die angry. The image of his last days is stuck in my head I can't wipe it, it haunts me.

My Mum on the other hand, she died peacefully, she was beautiful even after she took her last gasp of air. She was ready. She was in wonderful hands at Palliative care, she was comfortable and she said she felt safe there. She was scared to be at home. I hate that I can even compare the two, my most cherished people in this world apart from Boo. The image of my Mums last days is beautiful, she didn't change at all, she just looked like my Mum. She almost died with a smile on her face. I can carry that image in my head without it haunting me. She is always beautiful. She took a lot of pride in what she looked like. She always wore beautiful jewelry, everything had to match. She always looked a million bucks, she put me to shame. She often hounded on me about what I was wearing. I need to be comfortable, often not to her liking.

Her request is that she wants a viewing and rosary, I am not sure how I am going to stomach seeing her. But we are doing everything to make her look as beautiful as she always did. Another request before she died was that they didn't put too much make-up on her. She was just a lipstick and a little blush woman. We will make sure of that.

My Mum will always beautiful.

Saturday, August 20, 2011


I am feeling really numb, it hasn't really hit me that my Mum has died. I think it might the day of the funeral. I don't know, my grief is kind of all over the place. Grieving for my Mum and Max and everything we have lost not having these two beautiful souls in our lives. I know they are together and I believe that they are happy and at peace. It's this sense I am getting.

My family has been busy organising my Mums funeral, we are a big family 5 siblings. So by the time everyone has their say, and is delegated something well it takes time. Some things my Mum had already decided on, like what dress she wanted to wear but not until her final days, because according to her she wasn't going anywhere and it wasn't until she was ready that she bought it up. Unlike with Max we had pretty much everything organised, even though it was really difficult at the time to talk about it, it made everything soooo much easier during this difficult time.

I have so much to say but I am feeling pretty exhausted, emotionally drained and also due to lack of sleep.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

R.I.P. Mum

You gave it all you had, I wish I had half the strength you had.  I know your faith got you through this, in the end you were defeated but not without a good fight. You fought the dragon for 13 years, who does that? Only a super woman like you.

I can't say good bye. You are my Mum, always my Mum. I can't let you go, even though you have left. Left us to meet Max, your Mum and your brother.

You are no longer suffering I am happy for that, but I want you here. You were meant to come and see our new house, you where so looking forward to it, dam it!

I love you, I miss you xx

Monday, August 15, 2011

You Spin Right Round

Yesterday I was high as a kite. I did the City2Surf, I survived 14km and Heart break Hill. I did it! I still can't believe it. The endorphins kicked in and we had a really great day. I was thinking of Max and knew he would very proud of Boo and I, not only for completing it but also raising funds for Rainbows for Kate. And I must say I was pretty chuffed with myself also. I am aching today but its ok, it's good pain right.

Waiting for the race to start.

One in 85,000 people.

Heading towards the finish line

Congratulating each other with our medals.

Bondi beach- The End.

This morning I took Boo to daycare, he wore his medal he won to show off proudly. Then I took off to see my Mum at the palliative care. I hadn't seen her in two days. When I got there my heart skipped a beat. She was sitting in her chair beside her bed, in a hospital gown with a bare back and bare feet. Her mouth dropped wide open and her eyes rolling around in a gaze. I just saw Max. And I think I said "Oh my G-d" out loud. I went and gave her a hug and asked how long she had been there and where where her slippers. She hates being barefoot unlike me. She murmured a few words. She basically didn't know. I sat on the bed and asked if she wanted her slippers on she said yes. I gave her a nice foot and leg massage , I put my head down so she couldn't see the tears rolling down my face. I couldn't believe how much she had deteriorated. It really hit me then, that my Mum was soon leaving us. She had to go to the loo. She no longer has the energy to walk the short distance to the toilet so she did it in one of those portable loo chairs, but she was so breathless the Dr's decided that it was time she needed a catheter so she could conserve her energy. Her chest was rattling and she was gasping for air and really zonked out. I got her into her bed and went to find a Dr to speak with. She had had a very bad night with her breathing so they had given her more meds to help with it. They told me it was probably best to to call the family. Fuck! I walked into the common room and called my sister and told her that my Mum was deteriorating fast. I told her it was Max all over again, I couldn't stop crying. She did all the calling around. My Dad got there and he was sobbing as he walked in her room. My Mum asked  my Dad "What's wrong with you?" I am not going anywhere. As the day progressed more of my family arrived. I went and picked up Boo and took him back to see his Nonna. I have a HUGE family. By the end of the evening she told every one to go home, because she wasn't going to die yet. Can you believe my Mum?

So my head is spinning, my body is aching. And tomorrow is another day. I have managed to get Boo into daycare for the day, so I can have some time with my Mum, because according to her she isn't going anywhere yet. She really is amazing, my Mum. I love her so much.